A couple of weeks ago, we took the kids to the zoo.  It was a very hot day by Seattle standards coming in at a hefty 95 degrees.  Normally, our summer days here are 75-80 degrees and little humidity so the weather was a real departure from the norm.  As hot as they were, the kids were pretty good.

The kids got excited about the tigers, lions, bears, giraffes, monkeys and gorillas.  In the end thought, they finally succumbed to the heat and got a little cranky.  That was a good sign that it was time to head home.  By the time we got half-way home, Caylan had already fallen asleep and Evan was very drowsy the whole way home.

Introduction

In a previous post entitled Adopting Older, International Children, I addressed a number of issues when adopting older children internationally.  Everything I discussed in that post related to making the child feel comfortable in a home environment including food, sleeping arrangements, language and touch.  What I didn’t address was issues relating to venturing outside of the home environment.

Playing

Playing with other children or siblings is one area where older children adopted internationally seem to have some unique difficulties, especially if the have been institutionalized for any length of time.  This institutionalization appears to be the key to certain behaviors unique to these children.

In an institution, there is always competition, whether it be for food, toys, attention or playmates.  When children are in these environments, many of them take on aggressive behaviors.

When a child wants a particular food, toy or playmate, they will “race” to be first, push others out of the way and jump in front of the line without regard for others.  In order to get attention, many of these children believe they have to be the loudest around.

Another tendency you need to be aware of is cultural and not specific to an institution.  Many cultures are more personal than ours and personal space is valued much less than it is here.  Handholding during an entire conversation, regardless of gender combination, is common in parts of Asia, Europe and the Middle East.

Last year, I visited a Japanese restaurant in Anchorage, Alaska and I was introduced to the the owner.  During the entire conversation, he held my hand with one hand and my forearm with the other.  This may have made many people uneasy.  For me, it was expected and accepted.  This is the culture’s way of making sure you’re not a threat and showing that the individual holding the hand is not a threat as well.  If they’re holding your hand, you can’t be holding a weapon and neither can they.  It’s an age-old practice that’s survived to this day.

I haven’t seen our children holding hands during conversations with others but Evan does invade the private space of others.  He also exhibits some of the aggressive behaviors at times.  Fortunately, all of these behaviors are changing for the better after repeated explanations.  Dealing with these behaviors takes some time and patience.

School

One of the most worrisome topics when adoption older children internationally is school.  Because of the language barrier, the adopted child starts off with a disadvantage that borders on handicap.  There are a few rules, however, that can be used to get an idea about where to start the child in school.

If your child is between roughly age five and seven and has never attended school before, Kindergarten is the place to start.  This is the easiest and safest place for him or her to learn the language, school fundementals and expected social behaviors.  It’s also a wonderful place for them to make friends.

Older children that have attended school can and should go through testing to determine where they should begin.  Overseas schools, many times, have more advanced elementary and secondary schools than those in the United States.  As an example, children in Vietnam are taught many advanced math courses prior to their freshman year in high school.  This would include everything short of pre-Calculus and Calculus.

Regardless of the age of your child and prior schooling, you really need to speak to a school counselor and come up with a plan that will work for you, your child and the school.  Our school district is very good and they went out of their way to make Evan feel comfortable.  They enrolled him in some ESL (English as a Second Language) classes and his English language skills exploded from there.

One thing you will definitely need to do is spend time teaching the alphabet, reading, mathematics and language skills.  As painful as it can be for both you and your child, it can make a world of difference in their educational growth and development.

Evan and I had some difficult evenings while I was trying to teach him the numbers and letters.  Early in the process, my Vietnamese skills far outmatched his English skills and we both became terribly frustrated.  Although my Vietnamese skills were better, it doesn’t mean they were good to any degree.  I would, many times, mispronounce my words and get the wrong point across.  That was the worst.  In the end though, the frustration was well worth the results.

As I sit here on a quiet Sunday afternoon, I reflect back on the last 8+ months of our lives and realized how blessed we’ve been. I’m celebrating my first Father’s Day and life is good.

At this time last year, we were only dreaming about what our lives would be like after adoption and the unknown. We were focusing on an infant girl and had begun planning for such an arrival. Within a month though, we saw that fateful photograph of a frightened little girl being protected by a stoic but equally frightened big brother. It’s absolutely amazing how one photograph can change your plans and life.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that everything is wonderful and carefree. That’s just not the case. It never was and never will be. We are the parents of two beautiful children but they are just that, children. They misbehave, act up, refuse to cooperate, don’t want to go to sleep, don’t want to wake up, wet the bed, cry and get sick.

Many times since we traveled to Vietnam and doubled the size of our family, we’ve asked ourselves why anyone in their right mind would do this to themselves. We had a quiet life and could travel when and where we wanted. We didn’t have little ones throwing monkey wrenches into our plans. Life was simple. One thing I’ve found is that, whenever you feel like you can’t take anymore, something happens to make me forget all the negatives and cherish these children with all my heart.

This morning, I was presented with three cards for my first Father’s Day. The first was from the kids. The second was from Thuy. The last was made by Evan. He wrote everything himself. At times, it was plain interesting trying to read it but it was fun and touching.

Later during our breakfast, I was talking with the kids about buying a large piece of land with lots of trees and building a house for Mom and Dad, one for Evan and one for Caylan on that land. The kids loved the idea.

After mowing the lawn and vacuuming the cars, I was sitting and relaxing a bit. Evan walks into the room with his arms behind his back. He says, “I have something for Daddy.” and displays his bank. “Daddy, this is so you can buy the land and build the houses. Take it and use it for me.”

He’s always thinking of family first and this gesture brought a lump to my throat. It showed me how much he loves this family and wants it to stay together forever, even after he’s “big like Daddy and works on the computer to have money.”

I told Evan to keep the money in a safe place and that I’d let him know if I needed it to buy the land. It is now his responsibility to make it grow and he’s taking it very seriously. We will never touch the money in his bank but it’s heart-warming to know how much he loves this family.

I don’t regret building this family. I sometimes regret losing what we had before but it’s times like this that make me truly appreciate them. I sincerely hope they know how much we love them and enjoy having them with us. Life is good as Dad and I’m so glad we took that step into the unknown.

Names

Our previous post about last names for the children sparked a bit of interest from those reading our blog. Several of you provided comments containing some great ideas and we’ve taken them to heart and considered each seriously.

After several weeks of discussing, thinking and reading your comments about the final names for the kids once we reach the readoption process in Washington State, we’ve finally come to a decision. Here’s what we’ve decided to do.

First Names- This wasn’t an issue at all. We’re going to use their English names already in use. They seem comfortable with that. Evan picked out his own first name on the flight back from Vietnam after watching the movie “Evan Almighty”. We chose Caylan.

Middle Names- We’re going to use their Vietnamese first names as the first portion of their middle names. Also, because we’re not really into hyphenation, we’ll include Thuy’s last name as the second portion of their middle names. With this convention, the entire middle part of their names will be Vietnamese. We’ll continue using their Vietnamese first names at home. Their English names are only used outside of home and they can decide which they want to use on a permanent basis as they get older.

Last Names- We’re going to give them my last name. In addition, Thuy is considering taking on a similar naming convention so that the entire family has the same last name. She would make her name change at the same time as the readoption.

Evan’s name will be Evan Tuyen Nguyen Ball.

Caylan’s name will be Caylan Nhi Nguyen Ball.

Update

Positive things:

The kids just had their six-month, post-placement checkups with Dr. Davies at the University of Washington Medical Center last week. Evan has grown 2 inches and Caylan has grown 0.75 inches. They’re both doing well. They’re speaking more English every day and are now able to carry on rather involved conversations in English. I rarely need to use my Vietnamese with them now, although I will occasionally switch back to stay in practice.

Negative things:

Evan is still wetting his pants. That is the most frustrating thing for us. He will get so engrossed in something and not want to go to the bathroom even though he knows he has to go.

Caylan has a problem with eating. It’s just not her thing. Lately, that’s started to change. Meals aren’t the battle they used to be but they’re still not ideal situations yet.

Overall they’re good kids. They love to help with the house work. As small as she is, Caylan loves to carry bags into the house when Thuy comes back from the grocery store. She’s incredibly strong for her size. She can carry things that Evan has problems carrying.

We got some pictures from our nanny friends at Tuyên Quang to Evan & Caylan today:

Mẹ Lieu (the head nanny) with Luon and Phan (two older children at TQ)

Mẹ Ngoc (Lieu’s sister) with Luon and Phan