Adopting Older, International Children

On Adopting Older Children Internationally

A few people have asked me questions regarding the adoption of older children.  Because of our situation, this is directed toward adopting older Vietnamese children but I think this applies to all older children in general as well.

I have been blessed and very fortunate to be married to an awesome Vietnamese woman.  I was never left hanging out by myself.  She always has my back.  In a way, I think that makes me more willing to extend myself outside my comfort zone when it comes to dealing with our children.

Language

There’s no way around this problem.  You have to try to learn at least a few essential words in your child’s native tongue.  Do whatever you can to learn and don’t be afraid to try.  As with adults, children can sense when you make the effort to meet them half way and they’ll reciprocate.  Language is priceless.

Vietnamese is a tonal language.  That’s something Westerners aren’t used to.  The Vietnamese intonate sounds to make different words.  Westerners intonate words to convey meaning and emotion within a sentence.  This can lead to some very embarrassing moments when speaking to an adult but your child will adjust to your “dialect”.

Evan and Caylan have made that adjustment with me.  I speak “flat” Vietnamese.  I use few tones when I speak yet the kids have learned my “dialect” and can understand me quite easily.  They also adjust their speech to fit my vocabulary.  Thuy, on the other hand, can’t understand much of what I say.  Kids are intellectual sponges and are very adaptable.

Another thing that kids are awesome at is playing Charades.  If you don’t know the word, act it out.  You’ll find that they do the same for you and life gets much easier.

There’s nothing worse than a child frustrated because he/she can’t communicate with his/her parents.  Make the effort to learn some essential words like Mommy, Daddy, pee, poop, eat, sleep, wash, want, need and, most of all, love.  They need a lot of it.

Just after we united with Evan and Caylan, I found that I was way behind the curve when speaking to my new children.  Caylan heard Thuy and I speaking English and she understood none of it.  She tried to speak English by speaking “gibberish”.  This soon became a game for us.  She and I would yell at the top of our lungs in “gibberish” to each other, facial expressions included, like we were carrying on a conversation and just laugh until our stomachs hurt.  We said nothing but learned so much about each other.

Food

Everyone thinks that music and love are the “international languages”.  That’s not the case at all.  The “true” international language is food!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve befriended Vietnamese that I could barely speak to just by being able to sit down and share a good Vietnamese meal with them.  Food, more than language, crosses lines and breaks down barriers.  Share a good meal with Vietnamese and you’re now part of the group.  Kids are no different.  When you travel to your child’s home country, eat their food.  They’ll warm up to you faster because of it.

Food is also comfort.  To the Vietnamese, there is nothing better on a cold, wet winter’s day than a hot bowl of Pho.  When you’re not feeling well, lonely or depressed, there is always a dish you fall back on that makes you feel good inside.  Use that to your advantage and remember that your child wants the same thing.

Learn to prepare a few dishes from your child’s native cuisine.  It will be special for them and a safe haven as they try and adjust to Western foods.  If you try to eat their food while in their home country, you’ll understand how they feel here.

I’ve added a page tab at the top of this site that contains some kid-friendly, Vietnamese recipes that are tried and true for our children.

Sleep

This is, by far, the most difficult part of adopting older children.  In many countries, children aren’t used to sleeping alone.  When in an orphanage, they almost always share a bed.  In their original homes, they probably slept with at least one sibling or parent.  For these children, sleeping alone is terrifying.

Vietnam is one of those countries.  Entire families sleep together in Vietnam.  If you bring your child home and throw them into their own bed right away, don’t be surprised to be up all night and have them act out all day.

This can be extremely frustrating for couples that are dying for some private, quiet time together.  It’s very difficult to get that time together when you have a little one wedged between you.

The best solution here is the long one.  Make them comfortable first then slowly introduce sleeping alone.  At first, they’ll wake repeatedly during the night to see if you’re still there.  But, as they become more comfortable, they’ll begin to sleep better and wake fewer times during the night.  As this happens, you can slip out for some private time and, eventually, the entire night as your child learns to sleep alone and feel comfortable with it.

Regression

This may not be the most difficult part of adopting older children but it is the most frustrating.  When you adopt an older child, you expect him/her to act like an older child.  What you really find is that you end up with someone acting younger than their age.

“Potty training” is one of the areas where this appears most often.  It’s almost infuriating when you have an older child wet their pants frequently when you know for a fact that they know how to use the restroom and where it is.

You have to stop and consider a few things when dealing with this situation.  Think about the changes in your child’s world.

Our children didn’t have electricity when they were living with their biological parents or grandparents.  Now, imagine getting thrown into the typical Western home with all of the electronic gadgets.  The kids are in absolute awe and forget about their bodily functions sometimes.  They will get so into something that they wait to go until they don’t have time to make it to the restroom.  Slow the introduction of stimuli.

Your child’s diet has also changed.  It doesn’t matter if you cook authentic food from their homeland like a native chef, the food is different.  It’s different because our ingredients are different.  We shoot up our livestock with all kinds of chemicals and spray our vegetables and fruits to death.  That impacts the flavor and nutritional value of our food.  That, in turn, impacts your child’s body and makes it behave differently than it used to behave in their homeland.

Also, consider climate.  Vietnam is a near-tropical area.  It’s warm, by our standards, almost all year round.  How does your home’s location compare?  Remember, cold is a stimulant to your kidneys and Vietnamese children are used to drinking a lot of fluids because of the warmer climate.  That’s a bad combination.

Another manifestation of regression that we’ve seen in our children is that they sometimes become overly “needy”.  They want our attention constantly.  They want to be picked up.  They want to be held for no apparent reason.  This may be them just making sure we’re still there and attentive to their needs.  Basically, I think it’s them pinging us.

Without knowledge of your child’s native language, you probably won’t pick up on this one.  Our children, like most children at times, revert to “baby talk”, although they do it in Vietnamese and not English.  With a little effort on the language side of the equation, you can pick up on this as well.  I can tell when they do it.

Regression can take a number of different forms.  What we’ve found is that, once your child becomes comfortable with their new living arrangements, these things begin to disappear slowly.  Don’t expect them to go away overnight.  It’s all about patience and time and that leads me to my next point.

Patience

Here’s the key to everything.  Have patience with your child.  Don’t let them see you get frustrated.  That will keep their frustration level down as well.  Actually, I’ve found that making fun of myself when I can’t find a word or explain something really eases things for them.

Deal with things as they come.  Don’t let them drive you nuts.

I never had children before and, because of that, I had “my space” that nobody entered.  Guess what!  That doesn’t exist with children around.  They don’t care about your space.  It’s new and they want to explore!  At first, it drove me bonkers but, as time slipped by, I became more and more used to it and learned to control it rather than defend it.

Love

According to my thinking, love isn’t the “international language” but it is the “international emotion”.  Spend time looking at your children and having them look at you.  Get used to each other.  Get comfortable with each other.  Smile.

Touch each other.  Carrying, holding them during a quiet activity, holding hands, facial caresses, kissing and backrubs are wonderful ways to communicate your love for your child.  That touch becomes security and warmth for your child.  It becomes trust.

Talk to your child in either language or both.  Let them get used to hearing your voice and get used to hearing theirs, whether you understand it or not.  Your voice sooths.

Conclusion

This is, by no means, meant to be a catch all for adoptive parents of older, international children.  It is only thoughts on what we’ve found that works for us.  Actually, this works for me.  Thuy relates the kids on an entirely different level because she also speaks Vietnamese.  They are more comfortable with her because of that but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own moments.

I hope this helps someone out there.  Adopting older, international children is a daunting endeavor.  I have Thuy here and she makes it much easier but it is still difficult for me sometimes.  You’ve adopted a little person, not a baby.  They have the ability to think things through and make adjustments.  And, they come with their own personalities already built.  In all, it’s a wonderful experience.  I love watching them grow and learn.  Each day brings something new.

The best advice I can give you is to make every effort to meet your child half way culturally, show patience and love them.  That’s the best you can do and they’ll appreciate it in the end.